These are some of the words that can describe what it feels like when someone finds out that his or her partner has been lying about significant sexual activity.  The experience can lead to depression, anxiety, and a host of other trauma-related symptoms.

A wide range of questions may come up.  

• Should I leave? 
• Is this fixable?   
• Is this somehow my fault? 
• What else don’t I know? 
• Will I ever be able to trust my partner?
• Where can I turn for help?

Don’ts

• Don’t blame yourself – this is your partner’s problem to address.
• Don’t interrogate your partner about details – this is a cat-and-mouse game that is usually traumatic and rarely productive.
• Don’t try to control or monitor your partner’s behavior – it doesn’t help in the long run, and it just makes you feel worse.
• Don’t pretend “it’s no big deal”.  It is a big deal.  You’ve been betrayed – probably to a greater extent than you know.  You have a right to be angry.
• Don’t let shame keep you silent.  You deserve a safe, confidential place to share your story and get support.

Dos

• Do expect to experience after-effects that are often associated with trauma – difficulty  sleeping, preoccupation and rumination, anxiety, poor concentration and  intense mood swings.
• Do get help – no one should go through this horrible experience alone.  You’ve been through  a lot, and you’ve got some important things to talk about and some potentially life-changing decisions to make. Even if your partner isn’t willing to get help, you need support.  Call or make an appointment to find out what I can do for you.